Where I’ve been
Let’s begin (again) with a pandemic prayer.
I don’t know anyone for whom the pandemic has been easy. Surely they exist, I just don’t know them.
For us, the most significant effect of the pandemic was that we took our toddler out of daycare and I was her full-time caregiver for a year.
This was a wonderful year in many ways. I got precious time with her that I would not have had. I was able to focus on being a parent, and watch our first child grow. In turn, I gained a whole new respect for stay-at-home parents. It is absolutely a job. More than a job, really; parenting is an unpaid – but highly rewarding – vocation.
But it was a challenging season as well. Toddlers have notorious mood swings, and over the course of the year she went from crawling to climbing, which meant my ability to get work done dramatically decreased. Most weeks, I had just about a couple of hours out of the house to get some desperately needed (to us introverts) alone time. This only happened because my wife graciously gave up her only free afternoon most weeks. We figured out a balance, as many families had to do. It is amazing what you can do when you must.
The worst part was feeling, on a daily basis, like I had to choose between being a good pastor and being a good dad. From talking to many people – especially in this pandemic when, for many families, childcare has taken place within the confines of a home office/living room/kitchen – this is not an unusual experience. I take some comfort in that, but not much. My work matters deeply to me. I hated the feeling of having to do my job poorly. I talked to coaches, therapists, and mentors about it. Overall, I did the best I could. Many people told me I handled the balance well. It never felt like it.
Now what?
The pandemic isn’t over, of course. People are still sick and dying. Many are grieving. But I hope we are, in the US and around the world, coming near to the end. My wife and I were vaccinated, and that made us comfortable enough to put our daughter back in daycare. She’s been back a couple of weeks now, and I still feel strange about it. It’s a feeling of relief, but also a challenge to find a new normal. I am grateful for the opportunity, though.
In the last year, my time for work was deeply impacted, and my time for hobbies and fun activities (like writing) went almost to zero. I have missed writing a great deal. I heard someone say recently that writing is an extended form of thinking, which makes sense, because I find that I can think more clearly when I write about something.
In general, most of my posts will not be this personal. But I needed a sort of re-introduction, and also to think (by writing) about the last year. I don’t expect my experience is all that unique, but perhaps a few people will connect with it and have some greater empathy for their own journey during this season. A pandemic prayer seems like an appropriate way to revisit the craft of writing. Thanks for reading, and welcome to the conversation.
A pandemic prayer
Gracious God, after a year of COVID, I come to you to lament, confess, and give thanks:
I lament lost people, lost days, and lost weeks. To you, O God of compassion, I lament relationships strained and work undone.
I confess my lack of empathy for others, my self-pity, and my hollow prayers on days when my energy was flagging.
I give thanks for health, for vaccines, for front-line workers and gracious colleagues, for faithful friends and family, for a renewed hope that the pandemic is waning.
In the name of Your Son, Jesus the Christ, who healed diseases, who knew the agony of loss and who is making all things new. Amen.